Student Reports “Mysterious Injury”

UCA student Jimothy Bahrnes, 19,  reported to university police today that he has a huge bruise just above his right kneecap that came from an unknown source.

"I just woke up this morning and got out of the shower and noticed this massive ****ing bruise," Bahrnes said in an email interview. "I was like, WTF."

Police are searching for any individuals on campus who may have inflicted this injury on Bahrnes.

"We'll find them," Lt. Rhonda Swindle, public information officer for UCAPD, said. "We are planning to storm Minton Hall with a SWAT team this afternoon to search for them. We are prepared for this emergency. This is what that drill was all about last month."

Bahrnes' mysterious injury

Bahrnes said he is mystified by the injury.

"Dude, I have no idea where it came from," Barhnes said. "I swear I wasn't drunk last night. I swear."

However, several students report seeing Bahrnes drinking at a fraternity party last night.

"He tried talking to me like five times last night," said one female student who asked not to be identified. "I kept walking away and he just kept following me. It was pitiful, really."

Bahrnes denied being at the party.

"What party?" he said, when asked about the allegation. "I don't remember any party last night."

University police have asked that anybody with information about the case to contact UCAPD.

This is, like, an April Fool's joke.

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